The post below is written by Alina Rodescu-Pitchon, and recently appeared in Westport Magazine.
With all the wonders and comforts of modern life, we are no more evolved as a society than we were in the times of old. Indulging in extravagant and selfish excesses, stepping outside the boundaries of decency and kindness, we are left with a society that is morally and spiritually adrift. While we can literally fix broken hearts and hips, set foot on the moon and communicate with the rest of the world by a push of a button, there is one thing that we haven’t gotten the hang of: compassion for the human condition. Everyone seems to be so busy in the “decorum” of things, in how the man-made societal rules are followed or not, in how everything “seems” and “looks” that we have lost track of what makes the human spirit heal, blossom and soar…we have lost touch with the very beats of our hearts, the joy of a musical note, the smell of a fragrant flower, the voice of a loved one saying “you’re not alone”…basically that which makes us all human.
While the immoral majority goes around posing as sophisticated and educated members of the society, keeping up with outward appearances while inwardly dying a slow death, there are only a handful of individuals that really grab the passion of life with both hands and live it. Having a sense of self, being able to enjoy the things in life that are “free”, having compassion for your fellow traveler on the road of common existence and seeing ourselves as part of a bigger whole rather than the center of our very limited spheres allows us to rise above the money that we lost in the market, the brilliant careers that have gone astray or the sandwiches we eat at the beach instead of going out to a fancy restaurant.
Nowhere is this overt lack of compassion more painfully brought to light for me than in the ignorant and misguided prejudice aimed at people with special needs, or, as is widely known as the “disabled”. The term disabled pertains to a varied population that includes developmental “disabilities”, mental “disorders” and physical “handicaps”. I personally would rather call these conditions “challenges, because indeed, that is what they are. They are challenges on a global level, from the individual and immediate family and friends, to the community and world at large, that can either be met and dealt with compassionately, respectfully and with determination, or abandoned and rejected. One can either get in there and get their hands dirty with the stuff life is really made of, or gloss over that which one does not understand and pretend that it’s either not there or it’s someone’s fault that it’s not different.
While not minimizing the devastating effects of many of these conditions, it’s imperative to become aware of, and deeply appreciate, the hidden gifts that are not so obvious to the critical eye: the gift of the soul. It is so difficult for most of our society to see beyond a presenting disability that it, as a whole, reacts in fear and discomfort to an individual with challenges rather than look a bit deeper to see the soul; the common ground that unites us all. Without a second thought to the wrenching pain they inflict, they slap around rules and regulations, do’s and don’ts, shoulds and shouldn’ts while having different rules and regulations for the “typical” population. In Saratoga, NY, on a beautiful sunny day, a young man, with special needs, goes with his mother to a rehearsal of The Philadelphia Orchestra at The Saratoga Performing Arts Center, an attractive outdoor facility. This young man, who is well dressed and clean-cut, has been raised in a musical family, and indeed, his aunt is a violinist with the Philadelphia Orchestra. Having a Dad who is a violinist, a lovely step-mom who is a cellist and an uncle who is an opera singer, this young man has had the good fortune to be around many great stages and great artists. He has music running through his veins and it is his greatest pleasure in life to be around classical music. Because he doesn’t like to play out of tune, he takes two sticks and with perfect position and great passion, pretends to play them like a violin. Standing in the back loading area where the musicians go in and out, he finds a parked Porsche and watches his reflection. This is the second day at rehearsals, therefore he is not an unknown to the security guard. Sure enough, in a few minutes, the security guard comes out to his mother and requests that the young man be “kept” away from the car because it’s the Maestro’s car, the conductor of the orchestra. Maybe he thought that the young man would break the car window with his two thin wood sticks that never left his hands, or maybe that after sitting quietly in this area and listening to the music for two days with his mom, some unknown and frightening “thing” would come over him and this gentle young man would destroy the precious car, because after all, he does have special needs and one never knows about them, does one?
After the mother looks up at the guard and asks him where his compassion is, she gently explains to the young man that he has to step away from the car. No sooner is an intermission announced that one of the elderly orchestra member comes out and says to his friend “there’s the Maestro’s car. Is it a loaner or is it his?” and proceeds to sit down on the car. The mother, watching, notices that the security guard says nothing. Minutes pass and no one goes over to the gentleman to tell him to get off the car. The mother, totally infuriated and disgusted by the blatant prejudice against her son, finally goes over to the security guard and sarcastically tells him in a distraught voice that someone is sitting on the maestro’s car!!!!! The security guard begrudgingly goes down to the car and starts to not only kibitz with the gentleman sitting on the car, but poses for pictures as well.
There were so many rules and regulations that applied to the young man that did not apply to the general public that it made this mother’s head spin. The young man could not get up from his chair during the rehearsal, but other adults could come and go as they pleased. Couldn’t get too close, couldn’t stand backstage, and couldn’t stand near the car, yadayadayada. How far away have we gotten from the essence of things when we forget the reason we play music, the reason we gather together, the reason we live in communities? It’s to share the human experience. Particularly poignant to this story is that live classical music performing is dying – how unfortunate that this young man, whose love for music runs so deep, is not appreciated.
My beautiful 22 year-old son, Ben, was that young man and it was I who went up to the security guard and told him that never in all our years of going to concerts and rehearsals had Ben been treated so heartlessly and with such blind ignorance and disrespect. Ben is an intelligent, insightful, funny and kind soul who has an extra band of DNA on his 10th chromosome, making him somewhat “quirky” in a mostly incredibly lovable way and sometimes, in a challenging way. There are no words adequate enough to explain the deep love and respect I have for my boy… he is my greatest gift in life, my teacher in helping me understand what it is to be totally and unabashedly yourself and what it means to enjoy the life you have. While he deals with his challenges, and people’s reactions to them, daily, he always has a life force that draws him to the positive… the happy smile, the funny joke, the sharp observation about people, the penetrating gaze of love and affection that he shares with loved ones. Ben is that rare anomaly in our society who is viscerally tuned in to people with challenges, whether they are emotional or physical, and is driven to go and connect with them – say hello, acknowledge that they are there and they exist. He also has a need to go and say hello to people around him, people that he doesn’t know but who look interesting; he looks into their eyes and wants to be recognized…Look, I’m here. I exist. Acknowledge me! This is basic communication between people – no fancy phones, internet, videos…just a simple connection, just an acknowledgement that we are all part of the bigger whole and are therefore EQUAL, not less than. We, his parents, are trying to break him of the habit, not because it’s not socially acceptable, but because people’s reaction can be so unfeeling that we don’t want him to get hurt. When he asks me why someone didn’t say hello, my answer is that people are not always kind and are afraid to reach out, and that it’s THEIR shortcoming, not his.
While many would look at Ben and see his “disabilities”, few are truly aware of his wonderful gifts because they don’t give themselves the chance to see beyond the obvious challenges. How many of our special needs population fit in this category? How many innocent and open souls, not to mention their parents and other loved ones, feel the aching pain of rejection at the hands of people that aren’t nearly as spiritually evolved? Where is our advancement as a spiritual society? Why is there so much discussion about whether to put God in our documents or prayer in schools, when there is such a gross lack of spirituality and basic human understanding? Why do I have to accept that “That’s the way the world is” when it has been proven through the ages that we are doing something terribly wrong in thinking that any one of us is better than another? Henry James made such a simple yet profound observation: There are three rules to a happy human life: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind and the third is to be kind.
Let’s all try it for a week. I bet we’ll all feel a lot better.
Alina Rodescu-Pitchon is a freelance architectural designer, photographer and writer. She is the proud mom of Ben, 25, and lives in Wilton.
