The Best College Advice You Never Hear

It’s that time of year again, and I don’t mean Christmas. The first round of college early decision “letters” was accessible online on December 15th. For hundreds of seniors Nowalk, Brien McMahon, and elsewhere waiting on tenter hooks since the Nov. 15 “Early Decision I” application deadline, the day yielded an answer: Yes, No, or the Purgatorial Maybe.

A posting of a girl’s acceptance to Williams College ’16 popped up on this reporter’s Facebook newsfeed on Dec. 15. It had received 65 “likes” and 36 comments before 11 p.m. And that was on the father’s Facebook page.

The desire to share is understandable. Yet, for every elated family, there was another feeling the sting of disappointment. This leads me to my advice: Do not share your college list with anyone unless necessary.

Shadenfreude: not just an SAT word
If everyone knows your child’s dream school, a rejection will hurt that much more. It’s human nature to gossip, and though some friends will genuinely feel sympathy if your child receives bad news, there are others who won’t. After we’ve suffered through years of a parent’s bragging about how smart his kid is, smirks and eye-rolling are predictable.

You may sabotage your kid’s sense of accomplishment if your big mouth results in a zillion well-meaning sympathy hugs. And if he gets into his second choice school, it may still be a major coup, but if everyone knows the back-story, the acceptance will feel like consolation prize.

Blurting out your child’s top choice to a neighbor in line at the grocery store may not jinx his chances – though more than once, the mention of a particular school has resulted in its addition to another kid’s list – but it will more likely result in relentless inquiries, “Have you heard yet?”

We live in the epicenter of competitive admissions, and what starts as a normal desire to see our kids happy and successful can easily backfire.

For parents, heightened competition starts in 10th grade when Naviance accounts are activated and expectations dredged up from the 70s and 80s have to be recalibrated…downward! There are simply too many applicants for a static number of slots.

It’s harder than ever to get in, so the excuses start:

• “Trevor only got in because so many girls applied.”

• “Juan got in because he’s Hispanic/Black/Aleutian…"

• “Mopsie is lucky she had that life-threatening illness to write her essay about.”

Then comes the inclination to second-guess yourself:

• “I shouldn’t have let Mindy drop cello in 6th grade.” Or,

• “I should have shelled out $150 an hour for the math tutor for calculus.” 

• Or this one, which I swear I have heard spoken aloud: “We should have moved to Idaho. At least we would have had geographic diversity in our favor.”

Just Zip It
Just remember, there is one variable within your control. It’s above your chin and below your nose. Savor the power of silence. Sure, your mettle will be tested, but you do not have to reveal any school names when the chat at the hoedown turns to college admissions. 

If you feel you must give up some names at a dinner party, try bluffing. Toss out a few safety schools and move the conversation on to something else.

We’re all so involved in our kids’ education that it can feel like the whole family is applying to college. But resist the urge to blab even after the campus interview goes well. Even when the stellar report card arrives. Just zip it. Remember, sharing isn’t always an admirable trait.

Related Topics: College Admissions